an "a to z" of smell & quim - part three of three

uddites probably never ate this much. An organisation of people with names like Eli and Enoch, they were far more interested in the conditions of the ordinary working man, and were hell-bent against mechanisation due to its effect on employment, etc. They had a smashing time with hammers and they did it Live.

ost of what passes for "Noise" is just low-grade H.M. made by and for boys who like to worm their parents. Best noise is fire-engines, CDs slipping in record shops, car-crashes, computer tapes, mystery plumbing, drunks in viaducts singing "Danny Boy" as train passes overhead, airports, broken needles on your favorite record, MOR, pub hubbub, building sites, anal hijinks, bats, karaoke feedback, breaking lightbulbs, PA's blowing a fuse, nextdoor's arguments, motorbikes, cats fucking in alleyways. MOR is the true music of the Ubermensche, and not for any fashionably kitsch reasons either. You don't have to believe us: here's proof you can hear for yourself. Get yourself a dozen record players and play your ten favorite records all at the same time. On the spare two players, sling a couple sides of James Last of Manuels Music of the Mountains or somesuch and hear what happens. It'll all turn into an indistinguishable mush, except for the MOR, which'll come through loud and clear, shining like a diamond atop a mountain of shit, the sound of tuxedoed middleaged Germans excercising their right to stomp all over what you stupidly thought to be your own territory. Right now we've got an arranger sorting out string, Hawaiian, Oompah and bossanova versions of the first two S&Q LPs for simultaneous release on all formats sometime before the end of the milennium. Murderous...

oise and...

bnoxious juxtaposition are both...

hilosophies of Quim. Porn beats Art, Mel Appleby thought this! Presley's "Polk Salad Annie" is a fine chunka music we often listen to for days on end whilst standing stock-still practicing out "50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong" pose. To relax we take Painkillers washed down with clear Pastis. The three most recent Smell & Quim releases are:

"Super Noise Penis"
by Smell & Quim and Cock E.S.P. on the Spite label (USA) - 7-inch

"Titwank"
by Smell & Quim on Freedeom From... label (USA) - cassette

"Smell & Quim Go Down for the Gravy"
Live CD

is for Quack Science which seems just as reasonable as legitimate science to us. We love Snake Oil and other contents of Medicine Shows and Carny Scum.

andom input: It seems strange that all "Artists" don't build a random element into their "Art". After all once their creation leaves their hands it is open to use/abuse by other people and it don't come much more random than that. We use random input when recording, not because it throws up things we couldn't plan (frisson 'n' all that), but because it helps cut studio costs. Besides we're usually so drunk that the very act of moving is a random gesture in itself (Rabelais would have been a Smell & Quim fan - read Gargantua and Pantagruel).

tinky Horse Fuck is our own organisation, and we have released other projects of...

alent or interest upon the label.

.K. is our septic isles. The U.K. "scene" is infested with bald blokes with effects boxes. We're posing as one of these outfits until we build up a big enough fanbase to be able to drop our rancid countrywestern into 'em and make 'em swalloe it. It's not "Noise"; it's "Folk". Regarding U.F.O.s in the U.K. - perhaps the most celebrated case is the Ilkley Abduction where the off-duty policeman who was abducted actually took a picture of a green man who was four feet tall. Most abducting Aliens are referred to as Greys. I suppose calling them Greens would become confusing at mealtimes when faced with eating them up! Smell & Quim think, like John Trubee in his notorious song "A Blind Man's Penis", that we should "fuck them yeh yeh yeh"! This is much the same as the way we suggest for dealing with...

ampires. Upon tracing the wherabouts of a Vampire we should inform the Redneck gangs so that they can dig it up and sodomise it. Vice is a thing for holding your workpiece while you saw it or file it or modify it. The Vice Squad don't care much about these kinds of Vices. The ones they do care about constitute some of life's most pleasurable activities. There is nothing quite like promiscuous copulation and heavy drinking followed by a bout of drug-induced gambling. Jean Genet always advised having a good...

ank before playing cards for money. It steadies the mind and cuts down on rashness of thought caused by sexual tension and anxiety. W and...

can only stand for West Yorkshire, the cheapest and most polluted part of the U.K. fulla dive pubs, Elvis impersonators, market stalls selling offal direct (but not Offal Direct), bands of the standard of The Mayfair Players, rural inbreeding, urban mutation, more curry houses than you can shake your ox-tail at.

means for a sophisticated and adult audience only, or better still XXX: dirty movie.

any packaging is tops. S&Q love to bring a non-standard attitude to the merchandising of their, and SHF's produce. Smelly Cow Hoos of other animal bi-products can be fun! Or extremes of human existence, be they of a medical nature, or people enjoying the pleasures of obscure fetishism and sin!