a smell & quim guide to the cuisine and attractions of west yorkshire - part two



I'd like to try and tell you what it's like to be stranded in the jungle you love.. looking at it from another point in time. We live in a period of time that Stephen Jay Gould saw fit to call "the age of bacteria", in which humans are subjugated to the simplicity of contagion. What is most contagious is the desire to know what will kill you and become desensitised to it. Death lives, but only for others, as some cunt or other made out. It was once believed that the love of finery, good living and the indulgence of the senses led to the origin of prostitution in humans. This often reaches excessive heights in Smell and Quim gigs, with figures such as Simon Harris screeching naked flashing strobe lights into the eyes of the audience, Stool Man giving body searches (i.e. feeling them up), while Gillham loads up on the little fellas and squirts blood everywhere.

Gynotikolobomassophilia involves eating out the ear of your loved one, in particular nibbling around the earlobe. While this might seem fairly innocent, it nonetheless forms part of the spectrum of sexual cannibalism that includes phagophilia or vorarephilia (often shortened to “vore“). For the “phag”, sexual desire is only stimulated by eating the object of affection, lending a sinister undertone to supposedly innocuous terms of endearment such as ‘baby cakes’ or ‘honey pie.’ Despite the efforts of scientists such as Gould to downplay the role of sexual cannibalism in the animal kingdom, there is considerable anecdotal evidence contradicting this, demonstrating that there isn’t that much difference between wanting to have sex with someone and wanting to eat them, though it helps if you’re an insect. Queen Elizabeth II might provide the missing link at this point, a reptilian humanoid who allegedly indulges fondly in ritual sacrifice, baby eating and the like, despite the vain efforts of media pundits such as David Icke to put a stop to such antics.

One of my all-time favourite food related stories deals with the origin of the kebab and was developed by Ian, a sometime sergeant stationed in Northern Ireland. Attempting to address the rumours surrounding the growing popularity of kebab meat in the early 80’s and the suspicious minds of the locals and their missing pets, Ian evolved the witless farrago that is the legend of the “kebo.” A mysterious creature, this feckless beast remains obscure to this day, continually waddling unseen in the gloaming around the woodlands of the Shire, between borders and beyond the back. Literally backless, that is, as its spineless, fatty physique was found to be ideal for skewering and roasting on a spit, this revolting, yet strangely cute little creature will forever symbolise the ritualistic, almost spiritual celebration of being OUT OF YOUR TINY MIND.